A ha ha

I had an "aha" moment today...a few times.

See...I struggle with this "stay at home mom" thing. I LOVE it....I detest it...I am learning to be good at it...its the biggest challenge of my life. Even though I dreamt of being able to do it when Grant was in day care for the first 2 years of his life...it still bewilders me and has me yearning for more freedom.

I adored my AWESOME job...in my field...I excelled at it...I was finally good at something .And it felt great. However....motherhood threw a monkey wrench into all that...because I was a Mom first....and a career woman second...but sending your child away for 40 hours a week...doesn't feel like putting motherhood first. It feels ROTTEN to send your baby away any day...but especially when they are teething or just needing you. I wanted to be able to not work away from home...and be there for them 24/7. Well now I get to...and I grumble about it!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!

So today.....my son was being adorable and asking questions and learning lots of new things on an outing. We were having great dialogue and digging each other. I was THANKFUL for being there with him...and not at work. I was thankful for having my baby in my arms and....not at work. She was teething all day..and I was thankful to be there to ease her pain..as only a mother can.

I was thankful to have to eat lunch with one hand (Bron in the other) while keeping an eye on my son who was "playing" a video game in the corner wondering how many employees he was pissing off. It was great to be at one with my position as care giver extraordinaire...and it was definitely a nice "aha".

Starting over

Im baaaaaaackkkkkkkkkkkk. Im just gonna write. Just gonna force myself to write...to let it flow...to get it out...to have some fun. I am 1000% mama right now and 0% Paula...and that cant last forever. I owe it to myself to start finding time for me again. And a great place to start is right here. I will carve out little bits of time here and there and just write. It might not be interesting....but Its not about entertainment...its about therapy.

I decided to come back to Olive Juice because I like the energy and vibe that this blog had...or has. I like how I used to be able to write. Sure....I did it at work...so I had lots of time and privacy and even got paid to do it! Now...not so much. No privacy...no time and no dough. That makes it challenging. But....I want to latch on to the momentum that this blog had...and keep the chronicle alive.

So who is Paula anyhoo? Iam realist, a humanist, liberal, open minded, honest, compassionate, ethical, hard working, animated, fun and yet a tad bitter, angry and depressed 36 year old mother of two. I mother all day and night...and its not my forte. I am not a patient woman. I am much better as a career woman...however...I feel like they need me home right now. And since I can.....I will...and I will strive to better everyday...every hour...every second...never giving up on myself even when I totally SUCK at mothering.