So today was one of those days where I clearly remembered WHY I signed Grant up for preschool to start with....not for academic achievement....no...just so I could be free of him for a few hours a week and hopefully regain my strength...and patience. My child...is SO VERY STRONG SPIRITED...its frightening sometimes. The doctor and therapist (who wants us to come visit) encourages us to "get a handle on it"...for you see its easier now than say when he is 16.
I agree that a child his age needs to be taught "grace and courtesy" as they say in Montessori. He shouldnt be hitting, biting, name calling, walking over, pushing aside...other children/people. He should learn to talk in a civilized tone and volume in most situations. However....the other side to it is...at least for me...that a child his age should be allowed to...be a 3 year old. In my mind he should have room to follow his instincts act out his fantasies...even when it is annoying to me. I just want him to have a balanced three year old experience. I want him to be free...when freedom does not cost the respect of others that is.Its just a challenging situation...because again...he is VERY HIGH SPIRITED..and thats a nice way to put it.
He apparently does not care about most consequences...toys included. He really doesnt care much for toys in general (my husband was right). He would rather work and be involved in my every solitary thought and action 24/7. He loves to model my less than perfect behaviors...which include yelling, cussing and hitting. Yes I suck. The good news is I am learning and working at improvement...every minute of the day. Its my mantra...calm....thats it....be calm. Well its DAMN hard to be calm....when dealing with a completely self absorbed, irrational, over zealous, selfish mini me!!!!!!!! Its one of those things where I understand what I want to do.....ways I want to react...but then...my blood pressure sky rockets, my hormones freak, my mo jo falters...and...I yell. But at least I am NOT in denial!
I love love love him dearly....I love him till it hurts...and I KNOW very well the super sensitive, sweet, compassionate, adorable, smart, witty, hilarious and kind child that he is. However....I also know the other side....THAT side...that just brings me to my knees. Lord help us. And its days like today I wonder WHY oh WHY did I take him out of preschool last week....because he had separation anxiety?????
Well I know why...because to see a child his age have to be pried off his mothers leg every day of preschool...for 6 weeks (granted it was only 12 classes)...just doesnt seem right. I dont work outside the home...so I have the availability to keep him with me. He did well at school...after I left....when I picked him up he seemed happy and proud...but why was he sooo clingy when begin dropped off. It just made me feel sorry for him...and realize that he has the rest of his life to be "institutionalized" in some way or another...school and work etc. These are the last months of his young life that he can just be a kid...with his mom...running around town...being "free"...as free as he can get away with. SO I pulled him out...and now I have him 24/7...and when he is having a "naughty" day...I pull my hair out and want to take him back to that school and not even look back.
Instead I will persevere....to find ways to reach him...to find ways to control myself...to find ways to live through this challenging period...and enjoy it...and remember the great times...because there are plenty of wonderful moments and experiences. I am blessed to have such a healthy, intelligent child...who thinks outside the box! What else can I ask for??