While attempting to visit with a lactation consultant AND keep my 3 year old busy AND keep my 7 month old happy AND ask intelligent questions and retain important answers.....I did the unthinkable...or at least the ridiculous....I put Bronwyn's sock ON A DOLL. It was freaking hilarious...although rather absurd and possibly worrisome. In that cracker box of a room my brain was seriously multi tasking and seriously scattered...as usual. I went over to the doll that Grant was playing with and as I answered his 1 millionth questions.....I did it. Like not just to the toes...I pulled that sock all the way up before I realized the error of my ways. I just bust into crazy laughter and told the lactation consultant I knew she was gonna tell people.
Now sure its funny...but in a way it not. I have been in somewhat of a bad place mentally . I feel dishelveled...stressed...sometimes unhappy. I feel like a mama failure. I feel like I haven't felt since high school. I feel kinda crazy and kinda stupid. I feel like crying everyday. I feel in a sort of prison....and I feel claustrophobic.
I have never been one to be very good at hiding my true feelings. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And this is no different of a situation. Although I am truly trying very hard to figure out solutions to my frustration...the truth of the matter is...things are great.I just need to suck it up and be strong and GROW UP. What I am crying about???? Ridiculous.
So yoga it is. I am going to start finding a babysitter for Tuesday nights (Dave refuses to watch bronwyn by himself) and I am freakin GOING TO YOGA. I neeeeeeeeed meditation. I neeeeed stretching and holy crap I nEEEEEEEDDD MEEEEEE TIIIIMMMMEEEEEEE.
I am going to find more ways to feed my spirit....because it is really stifled...and I gotta be strong and solid and happy inside so I can enjoy this fabulous life I have created for myself and be the best mama and wife I can be.