Sunday, April 13, 2008

Lay in Wait

My ghost faced dog...Sadi.

Agony is upon me. As the minutes pass I am becoming more and more uncomfortable with putting my dogs to sleep tomorrow.

Yes they are OLD. Yes they are deaf and and semi blind. Yes they have severe arthritis and as the vet say, their bodies are giving out on them. Yes they snap at my son and even tonight Happy was having a stare down contest with him that scared me.

However, they are not sick. They have a good quality of life. They still enjoy food, treats and at least Sadi still likes walks. They are content.

Even though the vet encouraged me to put them down (because of the snapping)....I definitely feel like for me, it would be more for convenience than anything. And this is what is eating away at me. Yes, the fact that they pose a threat to my son is definitely a real problem. I do not think any blood would ever be drawn, but you truly never know with animals. For goodness sakes...they are animals right. And being old and crotchety combined with mild dementia...could very well cause an atypical biting.

Here is Happy - my first born.

I just don't know what will go down tomorrow. In a way I just want to stop THINKING about it and just do it. I have already thought about it long and hard and finally made the appointment. On an optimistic point, if you, given the chance, were allowed the option for a painless death while you were still very old but not miserable yet...would you be cool with it? I'm voting yes. Of course its impossible to figure out how long we have that's the kink. How long do these girls have left feeling pretty good and not being officially sick? Sure Sadi can barely get up the stairs and sure they don't even get up for a crazy human appetizer because it is too much trouble...but still...they are in dogs terms, healthy.

SHIT. This SUCKS. It sucks being me right now. My council keeps telling me...well its your decision...only you can make it. GREAT. Lucky me. I realize that I could very well cancel the appointment in the morning and just go about my business and just wait for the next bite scare or the next health problem to debate and worry and deal with it. But honestly...they are old.....they have daily pain, its bound to come up someday why not tomorrow?

If I go through with it...I just have to believe that I am giving them an honorable death, a peaceful death, and one that I would prefer for myself if given the option. Go out with dignity...before continence is lost, before cancer sets in, before pain consumes...right before life is not worth living.

I took the day off tomorrow. They will indulge in chicken livers, a hike in the woods and a tranquilizer trip. What happens next is as of this writing a mystery.

I apologize for such a dismal, pathetic post. You my friends are my therapist tonight (whats new).

Sadi..what a GOOD dog she is! So loyal and protective.

1 comment:

Alison said...

Oh honey, how awful.
If you decide tomorrow is their day to move on, you will be giving them a dignified, painless, peaceful and honourable end to the journey on earth. You don't need to wait for them to be sick or in pain or struggling to know that their time is near ending, so don't feel guilty.
Coming home without them (whenever that happens) will be horrendous, do you have a plan for coping and lots of support to help you though?
Thinking of you and your kids.