Tuesday, February 26, 2008

truth, honesty and moving on

I was married for 10 years. I summoned enough balls to asked for the divorce. It was a great decision...for both of us. We were unhealthy together, poisoning each others happiness. And even though at one time we were a tight team...that was the past...and there was so much built up resentment, angst and overall mental illness that there was no going back. We were a fast burning flame which eventually burnt itself out. That was 4 years ago.

Since then I moved on. I started a new life. I graduated college and landed my first "real" job. I bought a house, married again and started a family. Huge gigantic changes. Throughout this time my ex has contacted me repeatedly. At first I was cordial because I did still care about him and wanted the best for him so I would encourage him to do great things. However, with time I realized that these contacts were bringing me down. They were surely bringing us both down. He had said we could never be friends after the divorce..in fact he manipulated me with the hatred that he would be dead to me if I signed the papers. At the time that scared me to no end...but actually...not being friends was smart. Its almost impossible to be friends and still move on. Staying emotionally involved...would be a spiders web of entanglement...for both of us. Moving on...separating our worlds completely...is the only way to be healthy.

My biggest regret....is not being completely honest with him. I was trying to protect him. I was afraid he couldn't handle the pain of knowing I was happy (he had said that he couldn't be my friend after the divorce because he didn't want to know how happy i was). I did not want to add insult to injury as they say. I wanted to protect him with the "ignorance is bliss" kind of mentality. My council kept encouraging me to tell him the truth...or even let them tell him..but I resisted. My present husband has wanted to be honest with him from the time we started dating. Since we were all 3 friends during my first marriage, it may seem obvious to do so....but I have continously begged him not too. Now I regret this!

Many times in the past 3 years, my council has threatened to contact the ex but of course I pleaded with them not too. They wanted to be fair, honest and clear with him. When I had talked with the Ex in the early days...he was always full of sad stories and was never in a good place it seemed. I knew he had a lot of things to work through to be healthy and productive again...and it just hurt me to know that my happiness would probably cause him more pain. So I kept my secrets...with the hopes that he would eventually move on himself and be at a place where my new life would not cause him pain...he might even be able to be happy for me...as I certainly would be for him.

However, what I was blind to, was that the truth cannot be hidden. Eventually it comes out..and it can be worse for someone to find out on their own...than to be told straight up. Somehow I kept telling myself that there would be a happy ending for BOTH of us if I just held out a little longer. But that was not to be.

Ex found this blog a couple days ago...and I am sure he was wide eyed as he viewed the pictures of my son and read stories of my new life with new husband. I apologize from the bottom of my heart for not being straight forward with you. I was just trying to protect you...from what you said you did not want to know. Maybe now that you know the full extent of it...you can move on. Maybe it was the closure you needed.



renee - 21st Century Parenting said...

wow! such insight. yes, i was in a poisonous situation one time as well. there was mental frailty. i often wonder if he'll see the happy new life that our son and i have with our new family.

hats off for being REAL now!


Charlie Wolfe said...

Thanks for visiting my site! I love John Lennon, and I agree, don't like Yoko's music. Thanks again, hope to see you soon

Kidazy said...

I'm so sorry for everyone involved that you are going through such a rough situation. Please don't let anyone take your happiness away from you though, you have worked long and hard to build happiness and a good life for yourself, you deserve it :)

Stacy Light Mygatt said...

that does have to be slightly aggravating and insulting and disappointing all wrapped into one. You try to do what you think is best (and probably was) and still get shot in the foot. Don't let it change your blogging freedom-- I like your straightforwardness!!