Saturday, January 26, 2008

Cosleeping and Marriage

My husband has never been fully on board with the co sleeping issue, and it is really causing rifts in our marriage. Yes we are still going strong and are pretty darn healthy overall...but this subject...and parenting in general causes some heated discussions...and for about the past month...my dear husband has been sleeping in another room.

I am torn. I am completely comfortable sharing a bed with my son. Not only do I feel that it fulfills his nighttime needs, but also mine. Yes my sleep is interrupted many times a night, but overall I sleep more because I am not getting up to attend to him. I also enjoy the fact that we can snuggle and be together...especially because I work outside the home and miss those daytime hours. Co sleeping seems natural to me and it is right for me and grant. However...it is not so for my husband.

A loving and tight parental bond is a gift to the child. Everyone of us wants our parents to be madly in love. It is the best environment for raising children. I do understand that by nurturing my relationship with Grant's dad I am giving Grant a powerful foundation for learning, growing, evolving and essentially becoming an amazing human being. I sincerely want that for Grant. I want it for myself as well.

So here I am...in a way...in the middle of my two guys. This sucks. I have 3 people in the mix here...3 interests. I believe that the mother and child (especially when nursing) are a couple of their own sorts the first 2 years. Around that time the child starts separating on their own accord ...a natural development. Grant has the rest of his life to be going solo...I just do not feel the need to push him out of the nest. However, to nurture my husband ( I could so go on an anti man bashing crusade here but that would be stupid) I need to compromise so that our relationship does not suffer. This is tough stuff people.

So what will the compromise be? I have already offered starting a transitional period where Grant learns what "his bed" is. We can start nights here for a while. Of course this whole process will be harder on me that the present arrangement. My sweet husband gets a full nights sleep nomatter the sleeping situation!GRRR. I would rather wait till Grant is 2 or even 3 to do this. I keep telling my husband that even the freaks hehe, who train their babies to sleep alone have many disruptions in sleep. Babies and children just do not sleep like we do. Plan to have your life turned upside down. Period.

Anyhoo this post was much less informational than I would like but I am rushed because my 18 month old wants to go to the park on this gorgeous 50 degree day in January! I wish my husband would just follow my lead and enjoy these very short years where Grant is a baby. The really confusing part is that he appears to enjoy sleeping with us...all grins and smiles upon waking and getting hugs. There is some primal/machismo stuff going down here...and its just way beyond me. I guess I would like to continue to talk about this. I know it is a common issue with co sleeping families...when one parent desires a different arrangement. Till then.....

this article is short and sweet and has the results of multiple studies on the long term effects of co sleeping

3 comments:

Stacy Light Mygatt said...

We never officially co-slept with Alexis. She slept in a crib at the end of the bed. Since I couldn't breastfeed, I'd have to get up to get a bottle anyway. After her 4:30 am feeding, I usually brought her into the big bed with me and Scott. I was super paranoid, since my muscles were cut and sore and I couldn't move very quickly...

Around Thanksgiving, when she was knocked out in her pumpkin seat, I moved her from the seat to her crib. She slept all night through. We've only had two nights since where she's gotten up in the middle of the night. But she sleeps through the night from around 9:30 pm to 8:00 am IN HER CRIB! It's crazy!

Last night, I was teasing Scott saying I was bringing Alexis to bed with us....he said no. Which is a good idea...none of us would have slept well being paranoid about squishing the baby or covering her up too much with a blanket-- not an ideal co-sleep arrangement set up at all! ha ha

I wish I could cuddle with my little one more. She's independent now and likes to go to bed on her own.... =(

Paula said...

Hey Stacy! Thanks for commenting.

Co sleeping does include sleeping in different beds as long as they are in the same room. So "officially" you are cosleeping. I think its wonderful that you are close by sweet Alexis during the night hours. Its even been proven that having another human close by is great for regulating heart rate and respiration.

Your arrangement sounds too good to be true! Alexis is definitely an anamoly. Count yourself blessed to be getting such long stints of uninterrupted sleep...what a blessing. I actually feel rested most morning. My wakings are very very short and I am used to it by now.

The most important aspect of parent/child sleeping arrangements is that is works for the individuals involved. Grant has never been a sound sleeper...due to reflux pain or whatever...he wakes a minimum of 3 times a night..which is normal. And yes I have conditioned him to expect me to help him go back to sleep. I am fine with this because he is a baby and I dont expect him to be an adult. Also...I know plenty of folks who parented at night this way...and have preschoolers who sleep soundly in their own beds. To each their own...as long as nobody gets hurt :)

Love the newest pics. She is such a little doll baby!

baby~amore' said...

{hugs} as you work through this. I know what you mean - it such a short time in their lives.I don't have any advice we co sleep with our twins and it works still.
We have a smaller side bed - (else with two toddlers there would be no room)
I read somewhere else today ? about a mattress beside the bed on the floor for the co sleeping toddler.
Then Grant would have pretty quick access to nurse and then for morning snuggles.
My husband doesn't mind so much except me going to bed wakes him, and I go to bed late because I know at least one will wake to nurse anyway. So I figure i may as well 'play' on my blog and read my friends latest posts.