Trippin in Kansas

Its been one whole year and a half since we moved from Tonganoxie, KS. We lived there four years. Four very important, life changing years. I moved out there a single, child free woman. I left married and mother of a two year old. Tongie was where I started (and potentially ended) my career in parks and recreation. I fell in love with that little town and the friendly people therein. Finally...tomorrow we start the pilgrimage back to that special place that will always be a big part of me.

I am sooo looking forward to seeing some familiar faces and giving some bear hugs. I'm excited to share a piece of our history with Grant and have Bronwyn cross the state border for the first time. Its hard to believe how long its been since I have seen those places that once were so familiar. I love when memories come rebounding back...triggered by a place or a food or a person.

How funny that for 30 years I wondered..."who lives in Kansas anyway?" and or "who would live by a toll highway? that's just weird!"...but then I became that person and learned a lot about a state that I grew up snubbing my nose at. I learned to love Kansas and always will.

So tomorrow we are off....to the place of southerly wind!!!

So Yoga....

Decided to attend yoga on Thursday from 5:30 - 6:30pm. It was already dark before I left my cozy home...and I a few moments of indecisiveness. But I did it! I left my fussy baby (she was sooo tired) and I left the dishes dirty and I even left my car behind (it was trapped in the drive way so at the last harried second I took my moms van).

Sure I was the last one to arrive...but I made it...and for that alone I am proud. And that's where the pride in all of this ends. The nice lady at the counter asked if it was my first time and ushered me to the FRONT OF THE CLASS where she laid out my mat and blanket. Now I had about 20 ladies behind me...watching my rumpus bob up and down. But ya know...it didn't bother me...well just a tinge because I did have my heart set on the back so I could learn from watching others....but overall I guess I am just secure enough to be OK with that arrangement.

Basic yoga...at least that class that day at that time with that teacher...was pretty cool. It was much more difficult than I had imagined. Funny how one forgets how OLD they are or how long it has been since they used their core or balanced on one leg. The first half of the hour was spent on the floor doing core work. It was VERY difficult. I kept watching the clock...wondering when the stretching and meditation would begin. Then we moved to our feet and did a bunch of balancing which was very fun as well as very challenging. I was TRULY surprised with how out of balance I had become....quite a metaphor for my life right now. We did some stretching and ended with a nice meditative cool down. By the end I was really happy I had made it and interested to see how future classes would go. Hopefully next time my friend Jennifer will make it out with me...that will surely add to the fun factor.

When I arrived home I found the dishes done (thanks Dave) and Bronwyn passed out after crying and crying. :( ho hum. Its SO hard for me to leave her...especially at bed time. I wish I could attend a day class. If I could just do the class with her in the baby bjorn! ;_) I suppose I may have to find a different "me time"...one that could include her...but then I'm still serving..still on the clock...but who am I kidding...Mamas are ALWAYS ALWAYS on the clock...forever more...and that's fine by me....cause I love em to pieces...I wanna eat em up.

Dreamin of Me Time

While attempting to visit with a lactation consultant AND keep my 3 year old busy AND keep my 7 month old happy AND ask intelligent questions and retain important answers.....I did the unthinkable...or at least the ridiculous....I put Bronwyn's sock ON A DOLL. It was freaking hilarious...although rather absurd and possibly worrisome. In that cracker box of a room my brain was seriously multi tasking and seriously scattered...as usual. I went over to the doll that Grant was playing with and as I answered his 1 millionth questions.....I did it. Like not just to the toes...I pulled that sock all the way up before I realized the error of my ways. I just bust into crazy laughter and told the lactation consultant I knew she was gonna tell people.

Now sure its funny...but in a way it not. I have been in somewhat of a bad place mentally . I feel dishelveled...stressed...sometimes unhappy. I feel like a mama failure. I feel like I haven't felt since high school. I feel kinda crazy and kinda stupid. I feel like crying everyday. I feel in a sort of prison....and I feel claustrophobic.

I have never been one to be very good at hiding my true feelings. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And this is no different of a situation. Although I am truly trying very hard to figure out solutions to my frustration...the truth of the matter is...things are great.I just need to suck it up and be strong and GROW UP. What I am crying about???? Ridiculous.

So yoga it is. I am going to start finding a babysitter for Tuesday nights (Dave refuses to watch bronwyn by himself) and I am freakin GOING TO YOGA. I neeeeeeeeed meditation. I neeeeed stretching and holy crap I nEEEEEEEDDD MEEEEEE TIIIIMMMMEEEEEEE.

I am going to find more ways to feed my spirit....because it is really stifled...and I gotta be strong and solid and happy inside so I can enjoy this fabulous life I have created for myself and be the best mama and wife I can be.