A ha ha

I had an "aha" moment today...a few times.

See...I struggle with this "stay at home mom" thing. I LOVE it....I detest it...I am learning to be good at it...its the biggest challenge of my life. Even though I dreamt of being able to do it when Grant was in day care for the first 2 years of his life...it still bewilders me and has me yearning for more freedom.

I adored my AWESOME job...in my field...I excelled at it...I was finally good at something .And it felt great. However....motherhood threw a monkey wrench into all that...because I was a Mom first....and a career woman second...but sending your child away for 40 hours a week...doesn't feel like putting motherhood first. It feels ROTTEN to send your baby away any day...but especially when they are teething or just needing you. I wanted to be able to not work away from home...and be there for them 24/7. Well now I get to...and I grumble about it!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!

So today.....my son was being adorable and asking questions and learning lots of new things on an outing. We were having great dialogue and digging each other. I was THANKFUL for being there with him...and not at work. I was thankful for having my baby in my arms and....not at work. She was teething all day..and I was thankful to be there to ease her pain..as only a mother can.

I was thankful to have to eat lunch with one hand (Bron in the other) while keeping an eye on my son who was "playing" a video game in the corner wondering how many employees he was pissing off. It was great to be at one with my position as care giver extraordinaire...and it was definitely a nice "aha".

Ode of Thankfulness

I often find myself writing about life challenges...a form of therapy. I am sure you do to. Even though it does not make for the best blog topics....or I should say...enjoyable reading. Today, in the midst of a move, even as I sit here desk less with keyboard on knees and bottom on floor...I am grateful...oh so grateful for my life as it is.



I am thankful for:

• songs that pop into my head (and out my mouth) from ions ago and bring with them a smorgasbord of memories and feelings


• air conditioning


• a mother who is also my best friend


• a 22 month old son who is as sweet as he is fiesty


• my mammary glands still producing and providing going into the second year (almost) and the benefits of the entire experience


• a husband who has integrity, is kind, smart and giving


• a career that I really love...I found my niche


• my digital camera (thanks mom)


• all the lessons that I learned the hard way


• the ability to let my son make messes (its really hard for lots of peeps)


• indoor plumbing...especially in winter


• having experienced living in a small town...realization of a lifelong goal!


• my teeth (and functioning body as a whole)


• my family's health


• having 4 sister-in-laws that are all super fabulous...and I love them


• cosleeping....it is right for us


• the internet


• having a church family in my new town! I found my liberal brothers and sisters :)!


• enrolling Grant in dance class...starts July 8th! Cant wait to get the tap shoes in the mail.


• lots and lots and lots of stuff

Ahhh...that feels ..............oh so nice. Sometimes...especially during a move...one can get distracted and caught up in the drama of the whole experience. So being grounded and living in the moment is a very healthy blog topic for me! Try it....you will like it ...too.

Tomorrow marks my last day at the first job I the best job I have ever had. Peace out Tongie.

I Live in a Palace

Perspective is everything. This becomes more and more evident as I mature. Today is no exception. As our move draws closer and the reality of moving down a socio economic class (or 2) is vibrating in my throughts, the riches that are before me shine like new. Our humble home, which on bad days I found fault, has now revealed itself to me as the palace it truly is. Solid, dry, comfy and safe but also beautiful, charming, spacious and ...well....our first home as a family. We live in beaver cleaver land as I like to call it. Virtually no crime, neighbors we consider family and a community that knows our names and watches out for Grant.

Yes I live in a palace and I plan on soaking up every last ounce of this experience before the moving truck turns the corner.

truth, honesty and moving on

I was married for 10 years. I summoned enough balls to asked for the divorce. It was a great decision...for both of us. We were unhealthy together, poisoning each others happiness. And even though at one time we were a tight team...that was the past...and there was so much built up resentment, angst and overall mental illness that there was no going back. We were a fast burning flame which eventually burnt itself out. That was 4 years ago.

Since then I moved on. I started a new life. I graduated college and landed my first "real" job. I bought a house, married again and started a family. Huge gigantic changes. Throughout this time my ex has contacted me repeatedly. At first I was cordial because I did still care about him and wanted the best for him so I would encourage him to do great things. However, with time I realized that these contacts were bringing me down. They were surely bringing us both down. He had said we could never be friends after the divorce..in fact he manipulated me with the hatred that he would be dead to me if I signed the papers. At the time that scared me to no end...but actually...not being friends was smart. Its almost impossible to be friends and still move on. Staying emotionally involved...would be a spiders web of entanglement...for both of us. Moving on...separating our worlds completely...is the only way to be healthy.

My biggest regret....is not being completely honest with him. I was trying to protect him. I was afraid he couldn't handle the pain of knowing I was happy (he had said that he couldn't be my friend after the divorce because he didn't want to know how happy i was). I did not want to add insult to injury as they say. I wanted to protect him with the "ignorance is bliss" kind of mentality. My council kept encouraging me to tell him the truth...or even let them tell him..but I resisted. My present husband has wanted to be honest with him from the time we started dating. Since we were all 3 friends during my first marriage, it may seem obvious to do so....but I have continously begged him not too. Now I regret this!

Many times in the past 3 years, my council has threatened to contact the ex but of course I pleaded with them not too. They wanted to be fair, honest and clear with him. When I had talked with the Ex in the early days...he was always full of sad stories and was never in a good place it seemed. I knew he had a lot of things to work through to be healthy and productive again...and it just hurt me to know that my happiness would probably cause him more pain. So I kept my secrets...with the hopes that he would eventually move on himself and be at a place where my new life would not cause him pain...he might even be able to be happy for me...as I certainly would be for him.

However, what I was blind to, was that the truth cannot be hidden. Eventually it comes out..and it can be worse for someone to find out on their own...than to be told straight up. Somehow I kept telling myself that there would be a happy ending for BOTH of us if I just held out a little longer. But that was not to be.

Ex found this blog a couple days ago...and I am sure he was wide eyed as he viewed the pictures of my son and read stories of my new life with new husband. I apologize from the bottom of my heart for not being straight forward with you. I was just trying to protect you...from what you said you did not want to know. Maybe now that you know the full extent of it...you can move on. Maybe it was the closure you needed.

Peace.

Negativity & Dire Consequences

Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you I am an optimist. I come off as a happy person...above average type of happy. Smiles come naturally and I have the innate ability to make people feel good. Problem is....my mind is many times cluttered with negativity!

I allow a TON of negative inner dialogue. Blame could be cast on my father...who has always been a complainer...but why should I do such a thing? This is my life and my choices determine my happiness. I have noticed that the "devil on my shoulder" has become louder in the past few years..even since my son Grant was born. What does the "devil" say? Well he plants the seeds of doubt, fear and defensiveness. Many times I feel that my husband or whomever is treating me unfairly. Other times I am fearful about my son's health or any number of uncontrolable variables. Anxiety pulses through my veins. There are plenty of times when I feel completely overwhelmed and feel very close to being out of control.

I have analyzed the situation throughout the years...and I have tried to work on it. Here again I am recommiting to the cause. I do NOT want to be a bitter old woman...and that is exactly where I am headed. Negative dialogue is truly a "sin"...truly a dis ease...truly a sucker of life. A void...a vacuum...a self inflicted nightmare.

As I was walking on the treadmill yesterday, I saw an article in the Oprah magazine about how feeling slighted actually takes years off your life. It is very unhealthy to walk around in a defensive state! No surprise really. They also talked about a newly defined personality...the D personality...detached and distant due to fear and resentment. That doesnt explain me....but the whole story really brought my own many times hidden, negativy to the surface.

I do not want to be unhappy! I fully understand that my happiness is up to ME. I am now taking charge of my inner dialogue and will no longer allow dis ease to poison my thoughts, my heart, my life. I also challenge you to pay more attention to the private life you live within your own mind. Could it be more positive? If so take the time to listen to yourself & counteract each negative thought with a postive one (or two). I also plan to recite positive mantras whenever I have a few moments of time..like when driving or cleaning etc. Those blank slate kind of times are fertile grounds for both positive and unfortunatley negative thoughts to plant and grow.

Here is to a more positive existence! Things are good, life is good, I am good and as they said on Saturday Night Live...I am OK and people like me hehehe.

**edited to add...How timely to receive this daily Buddhist wisdom today, from my beliefnet subscription....


Delight in heedfulness.
Watch over your own mind.
Lift yourself up
from the hard-going way,
like a tusker sunk in the mud.

-Dhammapada, 327, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

sentimental journey

throughout my day i have flashbacks of my life....people, places, experiences, conversations...they just jump into my thoughts which then jump into my emotions. they can really throw me for a loop!

many times they are happy, sometimes just wierd, and then theres the sappy sad moments. sappy sad isnt bad...just sappy sad. i find myself growing from all kinds of de ja vu...all kinds of recollections, rememberings, reflections...flashbacks. but they jump in as a response to something that jars the memory...a smell, a vision, a picture, a story, a similarity, a song, a word, the weather....on an on...a familiar pattern evolves , evoking scenes from the past. the past that is so apart of me; so apart of us all, yet we tend to dissolve the finer details so that we can focus on the day to day business of survival. i find these rememberings to really spice up my life...creating a deeper level of existance...our own history...grow from it or dare repeat it right?

history creates the very person we are today..the person our current circle of peeps, who maybe have only known us for the most recent chunk of life, identify us as. yet those who remember as as children, or young adults...have more history to define us with. learning from our history is more important than having an imaculate (aka boring) life. taking chances makes a life worth living. i love looking back at all the people who have come in and out of my life through the years! each one leaving behind a trace, or a heap of their own history inside my identity, my philosophy, my self. its a fascinating thing; how relationships weave such diverse patterns of identity within all of us.

a sentimental journey indeed....and as i age it becomes even more so...i love my flashbacks nomatter the response...bc it reminds me where i come from , what ive learned and where im going.