R.I.P. Happy

Happy departed from this world at 1:40PM Monday, April 15, 2008. It was a very gentle passing and there was no pain.

During our last walk I decided to do one at a time...Happy being the first because she is the eldest and she does not recognize Grant as the Alpha and therefore poses a much greater threat. She also has sever arthritis and even refused to attend the "last walk". Whereas she would not be able to handle life with Sadi....I think Sadi might be OK without Happy. Sadi has always been the "rock head" whereas Happy was eerily human like.

The entire situation is entirely bizarre and morbid. I am still in shock. Yes, I murdered my dog of 14. 5 years. She had been with me since she was a wee 5 weeks old. The runt of the litter, feisty and totally neurotic from day one! I am grieving. She was a good dog and I thanked her till the last second....hell...I am still thanking her. She was by my side my entire adult life. She witnessed it all. My growth, my regression, my mistakes, my successes. And she followed me everywhere.

There is comfort in still having Said here with me. I cant imagine having done both at once...with the way I am feeling.....that would have been a mistake.

Rest in peace sweet Happyloo. Your sprit will be missed. Happy after world to you sweet pup.

Lay in Wait

My ghost faced dog...Sadi.




Agony is upon me. As the minutes pass I am becoming more and more uncomfortable with putting my dogs to sleep tomorrow.



Yes they are OLD. Yes they are deaf and and semi blind. Yes they have severe arthritis and as the vet say, their bodies are giving out on them. Yes they snap at my son and even tonight Happy was having a stare down contest with him that scared me.



However, they are not sick. They have a good quality of life. They still enjoy food, treats and at least Sadi still likes walks. They are content.



Even though the vet encouraged me to put them down (because of the snapping)....I definitely feel like for me, it would be more for convenience than anything. And this is what is eating away at me. Yes, the fact that they pose a threat to my son is definitely a real problem. I do not think any blood would ever be drawn, but you truly never know with animals. For goodness sakes...they are animals right. And being old and crotchety combined with mild dementia...could very well cause an atypical act....like biting.

Here is Happy - my first born.

I just don't know what will go down tomorrow. In a way I just want to stop THINKING about it and just do it. I have already thought about it long and hard and finally made the appointment. On an optimistic point, if you, given the chance, were allowed the option for a painless death while you were still very old but not miserable yet...would you be cool with it? I'm voting yes. Of course its impossible to figure out how long we have left...so that's the kink. How long do these girls have left feeling pretty good and not being officially sick? Sure Sadi can barely get up the stairs and sure they don't even get up for a crazy human appetizer because it is too much trouble...but still...they are in dogs terms, healthy.



SHIT. This SUCKS. It sucks being me right now. My council keeps telling me...well its your decision...only you can make it. GREAT. Lucky me. I realize that I could very well cancel the appointment in the morning and just go about my business and just wait for the next bite scare or the next health problem to debate and worry and deal with it. But honestly...they are old.....they have daily pain, its bound to come up someday soon...so why not tomorrow?



If I go through with it...I just have to believe that I am giving them an honorable death, a peaceful death, and one that I would prefer for myself if given the option. Go out with dignity...before continence is lost, before cancer sets in, before pain consumes...right before life is not worth living.



I took the day off tomorrow. They will indulge in chicken livers, a hike in the woods and a tranquilizer trip. What happens next is as of this writing a mystery.



I apologize for such a dismal, pathetic post. You my friends are my therapist tonight (whats new).

Sadi..what a GOOD dog she is! So loyal and protective.

Doomsday Scheduled

Well I did it. I just scheduled my dogs death. How messed up is that? When the receptionist confirmed our 4:30 appointment for euthanasia....it punched me right in the face! I knew this moment was coming...and I have procrastinated and made excuses long enough. They have both lived good long high quality lives..and that is my solace.

I plan to indulge them over the weekend with excessive attention, pampering and lots of human food! I also want to take them on a hike in the woods...their favorite place. Monday I will have the day off to spend with them and feed them raw liver and stinky things only dogs love. Then at 4:30 we start the process. Thankfully they will have tranquilizers earlier in the day so they will be high as a kite and not have a worry in the world.

These little girls...my Happy and Sadi have been with me since they were just weeks old. Happy coming first and then Sadi being adopted 6 months later. They have traveled the country with me and have been at my side through many moves and changes, and through it all they loved me unconditionally. They were the cutest puppies ever:). They have been to dog parks, rainbow gatherings, communes, dozens of campgrounds, trails, lakes and creeks. Overall they have had excellent lives and I hope they can forgive me for ending their lives a bit premature. I know they could hold on longer, but why make them suffer? Their arthritis is bad, they are deaf and mostly blind, one has a tumor that bleeds and Grant annoys the piss out of them. They both have snapped at him (not that he didn't deserve it) but Happy could very well sneak a good bite in someday...especially with her dementia (oh ya...she barks all day at nothing). Happy is 14.5 and Sadi just turned 14 last week.

For now I will focus on making their last hours the best they have had in years...and leave the grieving for next week. This is a rotten thing to have to decide. We never think about this when we are adopting those adorable puppies now do we?

R.I.P. Blue Moon Rainbow

So I guess most of you do not know that I was married for 10 years to my first husband. I spent my 20s with him...and together we share 3 dogs...they were our kids. We ended up splitting up the kids because of the divorce. I kept the 2 girls and he kept the youngest, and only boy....Moon (he was the colors of the moon). Visitation rights were detailed within the divorce papers...but soon my ex was using Moon as a pawn and denied us the right to see him. I did not feel like taking legal action...so I let it go...figuring that maybe ex was right...and the process of leaving him over and over was indeed hard on him. Eventually the ex opened up visitation again..but by that time I had decided it was too hard on me...and stopped seeing Moon altogether. It was a VERY difficult decision...but my council encouraged me to cut the cord...by letting Moon go I could stop getting sucked back into the emotional drain that dealing with my ex always was. Our dogs were just another product of divorce...dystfunctional dogs I suppose.

Well this morning I heard the sad news that Moon had passed on. He was the baby! Just 12 years old and still he went first. Supposedly he had been sick for awhile and on medication. Ex called my husband's mother so she could let me know (the 3 of us were good friends for many yeasr back in the day). He doesnt have our contact information anymore. We decided to cut all contact with him because it was just such a drain every time. He always had some sad story...and honestly..I do not want to give him my energy anymore. I have a new life now...a much better one too...and it is healthier for me to stay focused on the now.



At first I was very detached from the news....as I have learned to protect myself from my ex this way. However as the day moves along...my grief has come to the surface and I am very sad. I went to his webpage at dogster.com and updated it. I know it sounds silly...but that page was my tribute to him and it did give me some closure to be able to visit "him" and keep his memory alive in that way. I wish we could have kept the "kids" together. They were a tight knit pack. He was the mischievious little boy who added spice to the old girl's lives. I have the CUTEST picture I will have to scan tomorrow of the 3 of them together right after his adoption. They had some wonderful times together. I always felt bad after the divorce that he was all alone...after knowing the joy of siblings. Breaks my heart. And then he died all alone..in his little bed while ex was at work. Poor sweet baby. We really let you down.

Rest in Peace sweet Moon. You were a great dog...and you will always have a place in my heart.