Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

How about this timing. For months...literally months...I have been anxiously awaiting a certain job opening to be announced. The resume paper had been purchased and the agency has been in contact with me regarding their plans. They want me!

So this morning there is was. My personal email from the Director letting me know the job had been officially opened. My heart sank. Sure I like the sound of advancing my career, of making more money, of the status and networking the job would afford me. HOWEVER....I HAVE A TODDLER. No other time in my life will I HAVE A TODDLER. Grant is our only child and unless divine intervention occurs...he will always be our only child.

I have completely been riding the fence. I was going to apply for the job and then if I did not get it (rare chance) then I would be ecstatic to be a full time mommy and part time dabbler (got to bring in enough $$ to pay for insurance and any expendable cash). Sometimes I got excited about the job...usually when I was checking out the housing market (and wanted a nice big place). Other times, when Grant was being a hellion....I would day dream about the escape that career offers. However, when dealing with my day care provider today, the issue became clearer than ever for me.

Listen to this. Des...my day care provider and friend...is awesome. I love that she encourages the kids to be outside as much as possible and allows them to get messy and experience the world. However...she is a bit irresponsible (remember the somersault gone wrong?) and scattered. Example A - even though her aide's last day was Friday...today she decides to walk the mile to the playground by herself! So that is one adult and 11 kids. Illegal YES. Ridiculous YES. Did I mention she is 7 months prego?

I dropped by the park to visit my son and was stressed out the whole time. The playground is suited for BIG KIDS...yet of course he wants to climb to the tallest point and play. It just makes me a nervous wreck and I set limits. I told her my limits and expect her to abide by them. But tell me...how can 1 women keep her eyes on 11 kids? SHE CANT. ITS IMPOSSIBLE. Its not safe.

So yes I will talk to her about my expectation when I go there later on today. But the bigger point here is that....no matter how good day care is...its not as good as MOM. There is always some concern. If the house sells as the contract lists...then as of June 1 - I am a free woman. No other time in my life will I have this opportunity....to raise my son as I see fit 24 hours a day. I am tired of leaving him with someone else. There is plenty of time for that later on.

Will we be poor? YES! Will I be able to adjust to the demands of staying at home with a toddler? Hopefully! Will we be happy? Hopefully! But overall...at least we get the chance to see...instead of always wishing and wondering...and potentially regretting.

Suppose I just gave someone else a real shot at that big fancy job. Its somebodies lucky day :). Now I gotta break the news the the agency ...and my husband.

Scrooge IS Santa!

holy hump day....that went fast. my boss has been out because his sweet mammy passed on. alone i have been attacking the senior christmas party, the candy cane hunt and santas mailbox. its been fun though. even though we at home dont really celebrate christmas in all its glory...i sure do pump it out for the community at large. i have certain folks on my tight arse about not having a tree...even though my 2days from being 17 months old son would indeed scale & terrorize it causing us many melt downs, strains and other ailments. we arent even getting him a present hehe.

tomorrow night we are babysitting! its been forever since we attempted such adventure. grant's best friend TJ and his 8 year old brother keith are coming over while their parents get crazy at a holiday office party. im kinda looking forward to it...or maybe its just the casserole she promised to send over for compensation...yum yum.


well im going to go play with grant...usually involving trashing his room with every toy he has and then some. im sure some rock climbing and bungee jumping will round it off.

oh oh...im applying for a VERY VERY cool job ( thanks lindsey 4 the heads up!)and im just so excited. its actually in the field that was my original inspiration for this degree. the position is as a park naturalist...where i would be in charge of environmental education....ooohhhh im lusting. unfortunately that requires the process of applying...YUCK. its so damn tedious. however...its coming along. Im having to pull some rabbits out of old hats...so thats been challenging. wierd how college seems ions ago...even though it was just a little over 3 years when i was in that state of agony learning institution.

sweet dreams little birds