truth, honesty and moving on

I was married for 10 years. I summoned enough balls to asked for the divorce. It was a great decision...for both of us. We were unhealthy together, poisoning each others happiness. And even though at one time we were a tight team...that was the past...and there was so much built up resentment, angst and overall mental illness that there was no going back. We were a fast burning flame which eventually burnt itself out. That was 4 years ago.

Since then I moved on. I started a new life. I graduated college and landed my first "real" job. I bought a house, married again and started a family. Huge gigantic changes. Throughout this time my ex has contacted me repeatedly. At first I was cordial because I did still care about him and wanted the best for him so I would encourage him to do great things. However, with time I realized that these contacts were bringing me down. They were surely bringing us both down. He had said we could never be friends after the divorce..in fact he manipulated me with the hatred that he would be dead to me if I signed the papers. At the time that scared me to no end...but actually...not being friends was smart. Its almost impossible to be friends and still move on. Staying emotionally involved...would be a spiders web of entanglement...for both of us. Moving on...separating our worlds completely...is the only way to be healthy.

My biggest regret....is not being completely honest with him. I was trying to protect him. I was afraid he couldn't handle the pain of knowing I was happy (he had said that he couldn't be my friend after the divorce because he didn't want to know how happy i was). I did not want to add insult to injury as they say. I wanted to protect him with the "ignorance is bliss" kind of mentality. My council kept encouraging me to tell him the truth...or even let them tell him..but I resisted. My present husband has wanted to be honest with him from the time we started dating. Since we were all 3 friends during my first marriage, it may seem obvious to do so....but I have continously begged him not too. Now I regret this!

Many times in the past 3 years, my council has threatened to contact the ex but of course I pleaded with them not too. They wanted to be fair, honest and clear with him. When I had talked with the Ex in the early days...he was always full of sad stories and was never in a good place it seemed. I knew he had a lot of things to work through to be healthy and productive again...and it just hurt me to know that my happiness would probably cause him more pain. So I kept my secrets...with the hopes that he would eventually move on himself and be at a place where my new life would not cause him pain...he might even be able to be happy for me...as I certainly would be for him.

However, what I was blind to, was that the truth cannot be hidden. Eventually it comes out..and it can be worse for someone to find out on their own...than to be told straight up. Somehow I kept telling myself that there would be a happy ending for BOTH of us if I just held out a little longer. But that was not to be.

Ex found this blog a couple days ago...and I am sure he was wide eyed as he viewed the pictures of my son and read stories of my new life with new husband. I apologize from the bottom of my heart for not being straight forward with you. I was just trying to protect you...from what you said you did not want to know. Maybe now that you know the full extent of it...you can move on. Maybe it was the closure you needed.

Peace.

R.I.P. Blue Moon Rainbow

So I guess most of you do not know that I was married for 10 years to my first husband. I spent my 20s with him...and together we share 3 dogs...they were our kids. We ended up splitting up the kids because of the divorce. I kept the 2 girls and he kept the youngest, and only boy....Moon (he was the colors of the moon). Visitation rights were detailed within the divorce papers...but soon my ex was using Moon as a pawn and denied us the right to see him. I did not feel like taking legal action...so I let it go...figuring that maybe ex was right...and the process of leaving him over and over was indeed hard on him. Eventually the ex opened up visitation again..but by that time I had decided it was too hard on me...and stopped seeing Moon altogether. It was a VERY difficult decision...but my council encouraged me to cut the cord...by letting Moon go I could stop getting sucked back into the emotional drain that dealing with my ex always was. Our dogs were just another product of divorce...dystfunctional dogs I suppose.

Well this morning I heard the sad news that Moon had passed on. He was the baby! Just 12 years old and still he went first. Supposedly he had been sick for awhile and on medication. Ex called my husband's mother so she could let me know (the 3 of us were good friends for many yeasr back in the day). He doesnt have our contact information anymore. We decided to cut all contact with him because it was just such a drain every time. He always had some sad story...and honestly..I do not want to give him my energy anymore. I have a new life now...a much better one too...and it is healthier for me to stay focused on the now.



At first I was very detached from the news....as I have learned to protect myself from my ex this way. However as the day moves along...my grief has come to the surface and I am very sad. I went to his webpage at dogster.com and updated it. I know it sounds silly...but that page was my tribute to him and it did give me some closure to be able to visit "him" and keep his memory alive in that way. I wish we could have kept the "kids" together. They were a tight knit pack. He was the mischievious little boy who added spice to the old girl's lives. I have the CUTEST picture I will have to scan tomorrow of the 3 of them together right after his adoption. They had some wonderful times together. I always felt bad after the divorce that he was all alone...after knowing the joy of siblings. Breaks my heart. And then he died all alone..in his little bed while ex was at work. Poor sweet baby. We really let you down.

Rest in Peace sweet Moon. You were a great dog...and you will always have a place in my heart.