Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Trippin in Kansas

Its been one whole year and a half since we moved from Tonganoxie, KS. We lived there four years. Four very important, life changing years. I moved out there a single, child free woman. I left married and mother of a two year old. Tongie was where I started (and potentially ended) my career in parks and recreation. I fell in love with that little town and the friendly people therein. Finally...tomorrow we start the pilgrimage back to that special place that will always be a big part of me.

I am sooo looking forward to seeing some familiar faces and giving some bear hugs. I'm excited to share a piece of our history with Grant and have Bronwyn cross the state border for the first time. Its hard to believe how long its been since I have seen those places that once were so familiar. I love when memories come rebounding back...triggered by a place or a food or a person.

How funny that for 30 years I wondered..."who lives in Kansas anyway?" and or "who would live by a toll highway? that's just weird!"...but then I became that person and learned a lot about a state that I grew up snubbing my nose at. I learned to love Kansas and always will.

So tomorrow we are the place of southerly wind!!!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

So Yoga....

Decided to attend yoga on Thursday from 5:30 - 6:30pm. It was already dark before I left my cozy home...and I a few moments of indecisiveness. But I did it! I left my fussy baby (she was sooo tired) and I left the dishes dirty and I even left my car behind (it was trapped in the drive way so at the last harried second I took my moms van).

Sure I was the last one to arrive...but I made it...and for that alone I am proud. And that's where the pride in all of this ends. The nice lady at the counter asked if it was my first time and ushered me to the FRONT OF THE CLASS where she laid out my mat and blanket. Now I had about 20 ladies behind me...watching my rumpus bob up and down. But ya didn't bother me...well just a tinge because I did have my heart set on the back so I could learn from watching others....but overall I guess I am just secure enough to be OK with that arrangement.

Basic least that class that day at that time with that teacher...was pretty cool. It was much more difficult than I had imagined. Funny how one forgets how OLD they are or how long it has been since they used their core or balanced on one leg. The first half of the hour was spent on the floor doing core work. It was VERY difficult. I kept watching the clock...wondering when the stretching and meditation would begin. Then we moved to our feet and did a bunch of balancing which was very fun as well as very challenging. I was TRULY surprised with how out of balance I had become....quite a metaphor for my life right now. We did some stretching and ended with a nice meditative cool down. By the end I was really happy I had made it and interested to see how future classes would go. Hopefully next time my friend Jennifer will make it out with me...that will surely add to the fun factor.

When I arrived home I found the dishes done (thanks Dave) and Bronwyn passed out after crying and crying. :( ho hum. Its SO hard for me to leave her...especially at bed time. I wish I could attend a day class. If I could just do the class with her in the baby bjorn! ;_) I suppose I may have to find a different "me time" that could include her...but then I'm still serving..still on the clock...but who am I kidding...Mamas are ALWAYS ALWAYS on the clock...forever more...and that's fine by me....cause I love em to pieces...I wanna eat em up.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Dreamin of Me Time

While attempting to visit with a lactation consultant AND keep my 3 year old busy AND keep my 7 month old happy AND ask intelligent questions and retain important answers.....I did the unthinkable...or at least the ridiculous....I put Bronwyn's sock ON A DOLL. It was freaking hilarious...although rather absurd and possibly worrisome. In that cracker box of a room my brain was seriously multi tasking and seriously usual. I went over to the doll that Grant was playing with and as I answered his 1 millionth questions.....I did it. Like not just to the toes...I pulled that sock all the way up before I realized the error of my ways. I just bust into crazy laughter and told the lactation consultant I knew she was gonna tell people.

Now sure its funny...but in a way it not. I have been in somewhat of a bad place mentally . I feel dishelveled...stressed...sometimes unhappy. I feel like a mama failure. I feel like I haven't felt since high school. I feel kinda crazy and kinda stupid. I feel like crying everyday. I feel in a sort of prison....and I feel claustrophobic.

I have never been one to be very good at hiding my true feelings. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And this is no different of a situation. Although I am truly trying very hard to figure out solutions to my frustration...the truth of the matter is...things are great.I just need to suck it up and be strong and GROW UP. What I am crying about???? Ridiculous.

So yoga it is. I am going to start finding a babysitter for Tuesday nights (Dave refuses to watch bronwyn by himself) and I am freakin GOING TO YOGA. I neeeeeeeeed meditation. I neeeeed stretching and holy crap I nEEEEEEEDDD MEEEEEE TIIIIMMMMEEEEEEE.

I am going to find more ways to feed my spirit....because it is really stifled...and I gotta be strong and solid and happy inside so I can enjoy this fabulous life I have created for myself and be the best mama and wife I can be.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Bronwyn update

Things are good...things are great. Especially when the children are sleeping! I love them I do....but its SO challenging to deal with almost never getting a full minute to process a thought!!!!


My daughter is the most beautiful girl baby I have EVER seen! She is just perfect...when I see her my heart does a back flip. Seriously...the girl is gorgeous, smart, precious, sweet and um...obviously mine right? I never thought I would have a daughter...and she is such a special suprise...I know I am blessed. Im SO looking forward to getting to know her.

She turned 6 months old yesterday! Im so glad she is hearty for the winter. As soon as I knew I was pregnant...I did the math and was relieved to know she would have a good head start before winter..and all the pretty sicknesses that brings! Bronwyn is long and light. She is presently attempting to crawl...getting into position and rocking. She is pulling up!!! She talks...dada....nana...its very cute. She is a lazy laugher...and although she smiles readily..her laughs are more rare. She adores her brother! She walks in the walker...just this week walking the house over. She loves to play with toys on her play mat and easily tosses them from hand to hand...mauling all of them of course. I have yet to really start feeding her solids...but she does play with taste and texture and so far loves everything including: frozen cherries, frozen blueberries, bananas, clementines, cauliflower, mashed taters and even Kix (bad mom). I plan on starting to feed her more in the very near future as she does have the interest and has reached an age where I feel very comfortable with it.

Funny how I was feeding her brother Grant 3 meals a day by 6 months. This time around Im straight up more lazy..and I know its recommended that breastfed babies dont need solids in the first actually just takes up space...where as breastmilk is MUCH more nutritios. But I see her true interest and yearning for the I will allow her to indulge! to parenting

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Our High Spirited Child

So today was one of those days where I clearly remembered WHY I signed Grant up for preschool to start with....not for academic so I could be free of him for a few hours a week and hopefully regain my strength...and patience. My SO VERY STRONG SPIRITED...its frightening sometimes. The doctor and therapist (who wants us to come visit) encourages us to "get a handle on it"...for you see its easier now than say when he is 16.

I agree that a child his age needs to be taught "grace and courtesy" as they say in Montessori. He shouldnt be hitting, biting, name calling, walking over, pushing aside...other children/people. He should learn to talk in a civilized tone and volume in most situations. However....the other side to it least for me...that a child his age should be allowed a 3 year old. In my mind he should have room to follow his instincts act out his fantasies...even when it is annoying to me. I just want him to have a balanced three year old experience. I want him to be free...when freedom does not cost the respect of others that is.Its just a challenging situation...because again...he is VERY HIGH SPIRITED..and thats a nice way to put it.

He apparently does not care about most included. He really doesnt care much for toys in general (my husband was right). He would rather work and be involved in my every solitary thought and action 24/7. He loves to model my less than perfect behaviors...which include yelling, cussing and hitting. Yes I suck. The good news is I am learning and working at improvement...every minute of the day. Its my mantra...calm....thats calm. Well its DAMN hard to be calm....when dealing with a completely self absorbed, irrational, over zealous, selfish mini me!!!!!!!! Its one of those things where I understand what I want to do.....ways I want to react...but blood pressure sky rockets, my hormones freak, my mo jo falters...and...I yell. But at least I am NOT in denial!

I love love love him dearly....I love him till it hurts...and I KNOW very well the super sensitive, sweet, compassionate, adorable, smart, witty, hilarious and kind child that he is. However....I also know the other side....THAT side...that just brings me to my knees. Lord help us. And its days like today I wonder WHY oh WHY did I take him out of preschool last week....because he had separation anxiety?????

Well I know why...because to see a child his age have to be pried off his mothers leg every day of preschool...for 6 weeks (granted it was only 12 classes)...just doesnt seem right. I dont work outside the I have the availability to keep him with me. He did well at school...after I left....when I picked him up he seemed happy and proud...but why was he sooo clingy when begin dropped off. It just made me feel sorry for him...and realize that he has the rest of his life to be "institutionalized" in some way or and work etc. These are the last months of his young life that he can just be a kid...with his mom...running around town...being "free" free as he can get away with. SO I pulled him out...and now I have him 24/7...and when he is having a "naughty" day...I pull my hair out and want to take him back to that school and not even look back.

Instead I will find ways to reach find ways to control find ways to live through this challenging period...and enjoy it...and remember the great times...because there are plenty of wonderful moments and experiences. I am blessed to have such a healthy, intelligent child...who thinks outside the box! What else can I ask for??

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A ha ha

I had an "aha" moment today...a few times.

See...I struggle with this "stay at home mom" thing. I LOVE it....I detest it...I am learning to be good at it...its the biggest challenge of my life. Even though I dreamt of being able to do it when Grant was in day care for the first 2 years of his still bewilders me and has me yearning for more freedom.

I adored my AWESOME my field...I excelled at it...I was finally good at something .And it felt great. However....motherhood threw a monkey wrench into all that...because I was a Mom first....and a career woman second...but sending your child away for 40 hours a week...doesn't feel like putting motherhood first. It feels ROTTEN to send your baby away any day...but especially when they are teething or just needing you. I wanted to be able to not work away from home...and be there for them 24/7. Well now I get to...and I grumble about it!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!

So son was being adorable and asking questions and learning lots of new things on an outing. We were having great dialogue and digging each other. I was THANKFUL for being there with him...and not at work. I was thankful for having my baby in my arms and....not at work. She was teething all day..and I was thankful to be there to ease her only a mother can.

I was thankful to have to eat lunch with one hand (Bron in the other) while keeping an eye on my son who was "playing" a video game in the corner wondering how many employees he was pissing off. It was great to be at one with my position as care giver extraordinaire...and it was definitely a nice "aha".

Monday, August 24, 2009

Starting over

Im baaaaaaackkkkkkkkkkkk. Im just gonna write. Just gonna force myself to let it get it have some fun. I am 1000% mama right now and 0% Paula...and that cant last forever. I owe it to myself to start finding time for me again. And a great place to start is right here. I will carve out little bits of time here and there and just write. It might not be interesting....but Its not about entertainment...its about therapy.

I decided to come back to Olive Juice because I like the energy and vibe that this blog had...or has. I like how I used to be able to write. Sure....I did it at I had lots of time and privacy and even got paid to do it! Now...not so much. No time and no dough. That makes it challenging. But....I want to latch on to the momentum that this blog had...and keep the chronicle alive.

So who is Paula anyhoo? Iam realist, a humanist, liberal, open minded, honest, compassionate, ethical, hard working, animated, fun and yet a tad bitter, angry and depressed 36 year old mother of two. I mother all day and night...and its not my forte. I am not a patient woman. I am much better as a career woman...however...I feel like they need me home right now. And since I can.....I will...and I will strive to better everyday...every hour...every second...never giving up on myself even when I totally SUCK at mothering.